Kevin's story

My name is Kevin
I have been suffering from depression since I was 18 and my Dad died, he was only 59 it was too young. I didn’t make it through the course I was in, film and television, at TAFE, and ever since then I’ve been finding it hard to complete anything I do. The depression just weighs me down and I feel like I haven’t got the energy, sometimes I can’t get out of bed. I keep unusual hours, sometimes I am up all night, just surfing the internet, then sleep all day.
I am 28, so this is how I’ve been living for ten years. I feel really disappointed with myself, and that I am a failure. I think other people must see me that way too. I am still at home, what a failure hey, at my age, my mum is disappointed in me too.
I’ll probably fail at this research too because I haven’t really had that bad an experience of employment services but I do feel stigmatised by them and Centrelink because I am a failure. I’ve been with three ES agencies, and they’ve all treated me all right. I used to be on Youth Allowance, then Austudy, the paper work was horrendous, I’ve never been able to complete it all ok, and once I had to pay back some money for their mistakes. I find the paperwork a nightmare, checking all the details I am not the kind of person who deals with that very well.
I’m trying to get on DSP, and have been sent to a DES, I have to go through the motions of looking for a job for 12 months before I can get DSP, some of those changes the government made. I can’t afford not to live at home with my mum, especially on Newstart, she must think I am a failure.
But the ES agencies treat me OK, they tell me not to be too hard on myself because of my depression, not to call myself a failure. I had to go through a work capacity assessment, because of my depression, so I could get put through to the right sort of agency, it’s taken months and months but finally I’m there and I’m with an agency who is arranging some counselling for the depression.  But I feel so bad about myself not being able to get out of bed some days, they tell me to stop being so hard on myself.
They haven’t really tried to get me a job, they have offered my ones I don’t want to do, but they don’t push it on me. I’ve asked them about training, and they’ve said they are checking on if they have any funding for it, it takes months and months, I just get fed up waiting , and sort things out for myself, like I’m now back doing a BA this semester, although I have kept crashing out, I hope I can keep it up this term. Everything I do I don’t seem to be able to finish because of my depression.
I still want to work in an industry like film or television but I cant see that happening now so like my childhood dream cant be fulfilled and that’s upsetting, like my life has been derailed. I feel like it’s too late now, there’s all those other bright smart young people, I see their CVs on linkedin and think wow, how did you get all that on your CV, but it’s not me. Like I said I spend a lot of time online, too much, it’s quite narcissistic. It’s like that film Fight Club, you know, that cult of narcissism, young people spending all this time online checking each other out, I guess I am part of that.
I feel like it’s fair the government require people to work, everyone has to pull their weight hey.  This is why I feel like a failure in the eyes of tax payers that I can’t do that.  It’s not so much a feeling I get from individuals who help me but an impression I have that this is a general view, an expectation of that’s what you do when you grow up, get a good job and all the rest of it, and that I’m letting society down by not doing that.
I know some people from the housing commission where I do pizza deliveries, some of their houses you just open the door and the smoke and smell that comes out is unbelievable.  You know they’re the types who just avoid going to Centrelink, do everything online, doing drugs and that and trying to get away with it. There is one lady I know who has some issues with alcohol and that, who lost her baby, I saw her afterwards and said how sorry I was, you know, she was like “shit happens”, and I gave her a bit hug and everything I couldn’t believe she could take it so lightly, they’re just in another place people like that. But they need help, you know, they’re not ready to work, until they get help with their drug and alcohol problems.
I had some of those too, you know when I was younger, went a bit out of control there for a while, I feel like such a failure because of it, 10 years, and I haven’t fulfilled any of my potential, I feel so bad about myself. Like I crashed out of my film and television course, which I really wanted to do, get some work in that industry because I’m quite creative, but now I’ve wasted my youth and when I would have the energy. I was really good at school a great student, until year 12, well that’s when it all went wrong.
Centrelink just treat  you like a number, you know if you’re welfare dependent, then you’re just a number. When you’re in the queue there you just feel the stigma. There’s no personalised service, they don’t care about your story, why you’ve ended up being there, it’s just next please. I guess if they had people who were really interested in doing their job there, the service would just be completely different, it wouldn’t be real, like if they really took an interest in each case it would be too hard for them to do their job. Yeah its right they have to make threats to get people to do what they want, everyone should have to give something back.
Yeah I just sort the ad for this research on youtube, just some random surfing. I used to volunteer for research when I was at uni, I  liked being involved in something different, learning about something that wasn’t part of my usual life.